HayU Blog

Anger: A Conversation with Dr. Karen Fried

Fri, 14 Aug 2026 04:00:00 +0000

Tingling in your body. Rapid heart rate. Tense muscles. Stomach tightening into knots. Blood rushing to the head. These are all manifestations of anger in our body. Why is anger such a taboo emotion for many?

I recently sat down with our dear colleague Dr. Karen Fried to discuss anger. I started with why it’s so difficult for many people to tolerate and/or accept anger. Karen shared, “My mentor Dr. Violet Oaklander wrote in her article The Many Faces of Anger that anger is the most misunderstood and least tolerated emotion. Through my work in the US and in over 50 countries, my colleagues and students agree that in most of these cultures and countries, anger is discouraged, especially in children, where among other things, it is viewed as disrespectful and unacceptable. The only exception I’ve found so far is in my workshops with therapists in countries that have experienced continued trauma inflicted by war. They explain that after so many generations of war, they accept the expression of anger in their children and see the value of angry feelings and expressing aggressive energy. For them, it’s more fear that is the taboo emotion, since it’s not seen as helpful to their circumstances.”

It’s so interesting that the expression of anger is almost universally discouraged in children around the world. We continue to repress anger into adulthood and repeat the cycle in the next generation.

So what is actually happening in our bodies when we feel anger? Karen shared, “We find that it’s different for every individual. The Oaklander Model teaches us that the triggers and sensations of anger are unique to them. In the body, some people feel anger in their chest, others in their stomach, some describe it as tingling, others as a rush. Some feel anger as a restriction or the cutting off, some lose their voice, tense up, or even freeze. Some people may use different words to describe this feeling. A child might use words such as sad, scared, or annoyed, and adults might avoid the word 'anger' and try to reframe the emotion as frustration. In discussing our 'Window of Tolerance,' Dr. Dan Siegel explains that anger can be the result of dysregulation and a sign of a narrow or small amount of tolerance to the environmental stimuli around us. It can be, according to the Oaklander Model, that acknowledging and expressing our strong emotions, such as anger, can be empowering, and can allow someone to feel more regulated.”

Does anger show up differently for children and teens with anxiety? “Anger expressed in the safety of the therapeutic environment can be a relief for anxious children. Often, according to Dr. Oaklander, the messages children receive that anger is unacceptable results in children repressing strong emotions such as anger. When provided with appropriate and safe ways to express their feelings, children and teens often feel calmer once they can acknowledge and express their anger, especially in aggressive physical expression of the body (i.e. destroying something like a magazine, jumping and stomping, tearing paper, hitting something like clay),” Karen shared.

When children and adults don’t express their anger, they turn inward in a process called retroflection. Unfortunately, the anger doesn’t just disappear, and suppressing the emotion in our body can cause physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, etc. Finding a safe outlet to express anger is ideal.

Karen shared several ways to express anger, and a few of our favorites for children include:

Acknowledge the feeling: “I am angry” or “I feel angry”
Physical Release: Allow kids to be loud and physical in a crash space, hit pillows, stomp their feet, rip up paper, wash their face with cool water, etc. Kids need to let the aggression out before transitioning to a calm state, and they need adult support to do so. We can help the child go from an activated state to a place of metacognition, another way of saying they can be aware of their own process. Stay with the child to help them co-regulate and feel safe.
The Gripe List: Invite your child to complain about anything that is on their mind and write it down for them. I tried this with my 7 year old daughter, and it was a wonderful outlet for her. Most of her complaints were about her little brother.
Kintsugi: A Japanese art that repairs broken objects with gold, creating a new piece that is beautiful and highlights the repair rather than trying to hide it.
- Also available in Karen’s virtual tool Mindful Repair
Karen has developed several virtual tools that therapists use in their virtual play therapy sessions. These are available for anyone to use for free.

Some parental anger can be scary to children and have lasting effects. Being around anger that feels unsafe to children might persist into adulthood. However, repair is possible when parents acknowledge and address these issues.

Karen suggests taking a curious approach while being ready for an authentic response. “What was that like for you?” Hearing your child, truly considering their perspective, apologizing if appropriate, and reflecting upon any triggers that elicited your anger can be helpful. If adults can get more comfortable with their own anger, it can free the whole family to express anger in healthy ways. Parents often deny their own anger, because of the messages we all receive that anger isn’t acceptable. When anger and feelings associated with anger are acknowledged, parents can start modeling, rather than suppressing and/or venting, healthy anger for their children.

How do you sense anger in your own body? How does your family handle anger? Check out the resources below.

Dr. Karen Fried is available for consultations, trainings, and workshops for therapists and schools.

Virtual Play Therapy Apps
Books (Karen’s book on parenting has a section on anger)
Articles
Violet Oaklander’s Many Faces of Anger

~Courtney Wittner, M.Ed, ET/P

Senior Director at Hayutin

AI and Our Insecurities

Tue, 30 Jun 2026 04:00:00 +0000

The blistering rise of artificial intelligence has sent ripples through all academic institutions, leaving educators scrambling to adapt. Well-founded fears about an increase in cheating, plagiarism, and other forms of academic dishonesty led to a bevy of AI detection tools such as GPTZero, Copyleaks, and Turnitin. This in turn sparked the rise of evasion tools like Undetectable.ai and Quillbot that make AI text look more “human.” All the back-and-forth laid bare the reality that we are simultaneously horrified by what AI may mean for our education system and have a ravenous appetite to keep using it.

Much of the conversation around AI in education focuses on the potential loss of learning, writing, and critical thinking skills. There is also a justified concern that the standards academic institutions have spent generations building will be undermined if schools and employers lose confidence that students have genuinely met the bar their diplomas represent.

The immediate response to these concerns in schools has been to develop clear AI policies, shift toward more in-class writing and assessments, and invest in AI detection tools.

These measures all make sense. Switching to in-class, handwritten assessments eliminates the possibility of using online tools for submitted work (although it may disadvantage students with slower processing, learning differences, and writing disabilities). While investing in better AI detection tools will likely be a never-ending game of cat and mouse as AI detector evasion tools also get more robust, it seems like an unavoidable cost to bear.

A less-discussed undercurrent in this discussion is that academic dishonesty is often linked not to malice or laziness, but to personal insecurity, a perceived lack of support, and a general lack of self-belief. Research suggests that instances of cheating decrease when:

Students feel like their teachers are more engaged in their academic journeys
Students feel like their teachers are approachable
Assessments and exams are not clustered within a few days of each other
Students don’t feel an overwhelming pressure to perform academically
Students have a better handle on their time management and procrastination

Incidentally, an increase in insecurity (the anxiety about oneself), even outside of the academic context, is one of the primary reasons for our reliance on AI as a society, and may point to how deep this reality runs. Recent studies suggest that AI use doesn’t lead to anxiety/depression or other mental health concerns, but existing mental health concerns often result in addictive reliance on AI. For adolescents who struggle with social anxiety and loneliness, AI chatbots can feel like safe spaces where they can increase their self-disclosure, receive advice, companionship, and what feels like empathy. The more personalized AI models become, remembering and referencing previous chats, the blurrier the line between computer and companion.

AI chatbots also seem to provide the promise to take the social tension out of the learning process. Why ask your teacher for help (a potentially difficult social interaction) and admit that you don’t understand foundational parts of the content you need to know for the test, when you can use AI to learn and eliminate the friction of that interaction? Or worse still, why spend the energy studying, researching, and drafting an essay, and potentially still not get a passing grade, when AI could potentially write it for you and save you the effort, self-doubt, and anxiety? Even though the research points to the dangers of AI dependence, and teens who overdepend on AI acknowledge that it is bad for them, they still struggle to stop.

From a profit standpoint, the more addictive the models become (read: more sycophantic and agreeable), the better it is for the companies that create them, so it seems unlikely that this will be solved at the source. But it may be that in the academic setting, the values of differentiated learning, student-centric support, and fostering growth mindset in students will continue to be the most effective tools at countering the many risks that dot this new AI landscape.

If students feel safe enough to try, fail, and be supported as learners, it may mean they turn to their community more often than toward an AI chatbot.

Hunja Koimburi, M.A.

Director, Hayutin Education

Breaking up is Hard to Do

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 05:00:00 +0000

With the social media addiction trial making headlines, I have been reflecting on my own decision to break up with social media last year.

Deleting social media apps had been on my mind for several years. In 2024, I read Catherine Price's How to Break Up With Your Phone and Cal Newport's Digital Minimalism, and both helped me inch closer to getting rid of Instagram. I implemented a 15 minute time limit per day, turned off my notifications and even took a hiatus for up to a month at a time, but I just couldn’t delete the app. I was afraid of losing connection and being unknown.

While I was a passive social media user, posting only about once a month, my brain had been rewired to experience life through the lens of the app. How would I caption this moment? How could I share this on socials? Once I realized I didn't want my life and my experiences with my young kids defined by that question, I was done. I finally deleted Instagram a year ago.

My phone usage minus social media isn’t perfect.

My mind still wants to scroll. Instead of Instagram, I linger on news websites too long or browse my favorite shops. The itch didn't disappear… it just found new places to scratch.

The real losses have been the ones I didn't see coming. I miss out on events simply because I don't know about them. Last spring, I missed out on a favorite author’s book tour in Los Angeles and a concert to see a nostalgic millennial band. I know I would’ve gotten tickets to both if I were still on Instagram, but I found out too late.

And then there's the quieter kind of missing out. I don't get life updates from friends unless I see them in person or reach out directly. I recently had brunch with a group of girlfriends I see a handful of times per year. Three of them already knew about one friend's sister’s pregnancy, had seen photos from a trip to the Philippines, and had been trading DMs about a show they were watching together. I felt out of the loop, and it was my own doing.

Being offline has forced me to be more intentional about direct communication. Texting friends out of the blue. Sharing photos of my kids with friends and asking what they’ve been up to just because. The connection doesn't have to disappear when you leave the app, but you have to go get it yourself.

I’m grateful that I don’t worry so much about what casual acquaintances are up to or whether my life looks good from the outside. That quiet feeling of peace is worth more than any algorithm ever gave me.

Courtney Wittner, M.Ed, ET/P

Senior Director, Hayutin Education

A Salute to Hayutin Education Alumni Authors

Fri, 12 Dec 2025 05:00:00 +0000

In this post, we are thrilled to feature a few of our Hayutin alumni! These students and educators are published authors. We hope you will join us in honoring these talented writers…

ELENA MONTES

Elena Montes (Amy Hayutin Contreras’ daughter!) is a Costa Rican-American poet, fiction writer, artist, and Wildwood School 2020 graduate originally from Los Angeles, California. She holds a BA in Liberal Arts with a concentration in Creative Writing from Sarah Lawrence College, where she received the 2024 Andrea Klein Wilson Award for Poetry for two poems featured in her debut chapbook, Wishbones. Now, Elena lives in her adoptive city of New York with her partner and cat. When she’s not writing in her journal, she can be found cooking family-style meals for friends and sharing memories around the dinner table — an extension of her love for storytelling and connection.

Wishbones blends poetry, prose, and photography to explore Elena’s Costa Rican–American upbringing and the complexities of navigating two cultures, family separation, and a father’s struggle with alcoholism. Through an experimental, memoir-driven form, the work examines memory, identity, and the narratives we reconstruct to understand ourselves. You can pre-order Wishboneshere and visit Elena’s website here.

LUCINE STEPHAN

Lucine Stephan is the author of The Grandiose Collection, a poetry and personal narrative anthology that explores the collective and individual interpretations of "grandiosity." She is currently a freshman at Kenyon College, where she plans to study English & Creative Writing. Lucine is a Kenyon Review Associate and is an editor of two student-affiliated literary magazines, Persimmons and Lacuna.

Previously, she attended the Archer School for Girls and served as the Editor-in-Chief for the literary magazine, Pillars of Salt. She received an honorable mention in the 2023 Scholastic Art & Writing National Awards for flash fiction. Outside of writing, Lucine enjoys worldbuilding, reading poetry, and exploring historical narratives.

You can order The Grandiose Collectionhere.

NICK FULLER-GOOGINS

Nick Fuller Googins is the author of the novels, The Frequency of Living Things and The Great Transition. His short fiction and essays have appeared in The Paris Review, Men’s Health, The Los Angeles Times, and elsewhere. Nick graduated Cum Laude from Boston College with a B.A. in History and a Master's in Elementary Education. He later went on to pursue a Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Writing at Rutgers University. He lives in Maine and works as an elementary school teacher.

The Frequency of Living Things is a heartbreaking American epic about three sisters who unearth lifetimes of family tensions as they are forced to rescue one of their own from peril, testing the limits of sacrifice, sisterhood, and forgiveness.

You can order The Frequency of Living Thingshere and visit Nick’s website here.

M. KEITH HARRIS

M. Keith Harris is a historian and high school history teacher in Los Angeles, California. He received his BA at the University of California at Los Angeles (summa cum laude) and his Ph.D. at the University of Virginia. He is the author of numerous articles, essays, and books on the American Civil War, the author of the Mastering High School series - a collection of guides for high school history students and teachers, and the creator of Keith Harris History. He is currently writing a book on Union monuments at Gettysburg.

Mastering the Past is an indispensable book for high school students. From learning to effectively read, research, write and even discuss history in the classroom, it delves into the intricacies of the discipline. This concise book is packed with valuable lessons and thought-provoking insights, it empowers students to master the subject and develop a deeper understanding of the past.

You can order Mastering the Pasthere and visit Keith’s website and access his other writing here.

BRIGETTE ALLEN

Brigette Allen is an environmental activist and an author. She earned a Bachelor of Arts in History from Rice University, and went on to earn a Master of International Affairs from Columbia University's School of International and Public Affairs. Over the years, Brigette has held a range of positions in the fields of finance, language, and education. In addition to her newest book, the children’s book C Train, Brigette also co-authored Living Without Plastic.

C Train, a NYC subway tale, follows the adventures of a beloved train and her passenger, Maya, who shares enchanting stories of marine life. As Maya pursues her dream of ocean engineering, C Train faces retirement in a rail yard. Discover their heartwarming reunion and new journey beyond the subway rails!

You can order C Train in English or Spanish here and listen to the music created with this book here. Brigette is available for school visits and can be reached here.

We are so proud of our alumni authors and hope you enjoy these great reads!

Your Team at Hayutin Education

Dysregulation: Tales from Parents in the Trenches

Fri, 21 Nov 2025 05:00:00 +0000

As parents, it’s hard to know what to do in the face of our child’s emotional and behavioral dysregulation, no matter their age or how their dysregulation manifests. I recently sat down with two of our directors, Courtney and Hunja, to talk about how dysregulation manifests in our respective children.

When My Child Dysregulates, So Do I

Panic sets in when I get another yellow incident slip from preschool. My four-year-old hit another child.

Within minutes, I'm Googling occupational therapists and drafting an email to the developmental psychologist asking if this is normal, if we've missed something, or if there's an intervention we should have started months ago. I'm calling my best friend to make sense of what just happened.

It all feels urgent. If I just make the right call or send the right email, I can fix this.

But then my husband puts his hand on my shoulder. "Take a beat," he says. "Don't make any decisions until tomorrow."

And he's right. Because when my son is dysregulated, I am too. I'm just better at hiding it.

Sometimes the most helpful thing I can do is nothing. At least, not yet. Not while my heart is racing, my thoughts are spinning, and I'm catastrophizing about kindergarten.

- Courtney Wittner, parent of two (7 and 4)

When my own children were little and loud, frequent criers, especially daughter number two, I learned that her loud crying was a real trigger for me that made me feel cornered, brittle, attacked, and poised to attack back. I knew I should stay calm, but couldn’t always do so in the face of her triggering volume. I had to learn to use deep breathing to recenter myself before acting or even give myself a timeout in another room behind a closed door before I could interact with my dysregulated, screaming daughter. If only we had our own self-regulation dial that we could turn down to counterbalance our child’s dysregulation (a dial to regulate them would be nice, too!).

Therapists often have their patients rate their own levels of emotional intensity on a scale of 1-10 (a 10 being the most distressed). A trusted colleague of ours, Allison Burgess, LMFT, shared that she coaches her teen and emerging adult patients never to make important decisions when they are at level 7 or up. We loved this advice! In fact, none of us should make important decisions when we are at level 7 or above.

Jumping right into problem-solving mode is a common parental reaction to our child’s dysregulation. We may try to reason our children out of their strong feelings and behaviors when sometimes we just need to sit quietly while they melt down. With younger children, pre-planning how we will handle the next meltdown can help things go more smoothly the next time. You can even try asking your child, as developmentally appropriate, what they want/need in these moments and create a plan.

3,000 Miles Away

Another call from my 19-year-old daughter in college. The third call today in as many hours.

Sobbing. Talking a mile a minute to download the situation. Rapid-fire questions. Desperately trying to co-process with me on the phone during my workday.

“Slow down, I can’t understand you,” I begin…

Anxiety fills my chest and stomach as I try not to become frantic in the face of her utter dysregulation.

I remember my parent coaching; I hold back…just a few seconds…attempting to control my instinct to jump in with reassurances and solutions.

"What are you looking for from me right now...do you just want me to listen, or are you looking to brainstorm?”

- Amy Hayutin Contreras, parent of two (23 and 17)

If your child is becoming dysregulated with frequency and it’s impacting your family’s routines and quality of life, it may be time to consult medical professionals to determine the root causes of the dysregulation your loved one is experiencing and to inform potential treatments and interventions. Occupational Therapy, Speech & Language Therapy, and parent coaching with licensed therapists may be invaluable for your family. Or perhaps psychotherapy, addiction treatment, chronic pain management, or medication is what your child needs.

Fortunately, there is so much that we as parents can do to anticipate triggers and prevent dysregulation. We’ve included some resources at the end of this article.

A Powder Keg of Triggers

My 7 year old son is autistic and non-speaking. And he LOVES airplanes and points them out every time we are out. Getting on an airplane is always the highlight of his year, but the only way onto an airplane is through an airport.

A loud, noisy, chaotic cauldron of people, baggage, escalators, overhead announcements and security check-points.

We have found it helpful to map out exactly what we are going to do on the way to the airplane.

We use simple picture stories that show

where we will park the car,

how we then drop off our baggage,

how we will then go up to the TSA check-point,

how we will then go to our gate and then wait for the plane.

What we can control, we control.

We aim to get to the airport 3-4 hours early for international flights.

We take advantage of TSA Cares, a TSA service for families with disabled individuals to make the security checkpoint experience as hassle-free as possible for people with sensory sensitivities.

We’re enrolled in CLEAR, TSA PreCheck, and lounge access through our credit card benefits.

Even on the harder days, the dysregulation isn’t as disorienting as it could be because of our advanced preparation, communication, and preventative measures in anticipation of our son’s triggers.

- Hunja Koimburi, parent of three (11, 7, and 3)

How old is your child? How does their dysregulation manifest? What are their most frequent triggers? Are there steps you can take to avoid the triggers? What are your adult go-to responses to your child’s dysregulation and your own potential triggers? Identifying these factors can help you come up with a plan that will work for your family in the face of your child’s dysregulation.

Amy Hayutin Contreras

Partner, Hayutin Education

Resources

Emotional Dysregulation Cleveland Clinic
Sensory Strategies from Courtney Duckworth-Harris and The Kinder Clinic
Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan
How to Talk So Kids Can Listen and How to Listen so Kids Can Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Your Defiant Child by Russell Barkely and Christine Benton & Your Defiant Teen by Russell Barkley and Arthur Robin, with Christine Benton

Guest Blog: The Cycle of Technology Addiction

Mon, 13 Oct 2025 04:00:00 +0000

We recently sat down with our longtime colleague, Chris Mulligan, to learn more about treatment programs available through his Cyber Addiction Recovery Center. With over three decades of clinical experience, Chris’s expertise encompasses a broad range of complex developmental and psychiatric disorders, including behavioral addictions, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, Anxiety and Depression, OCD, Tourette’s Syndrome, and Eating Disorders.

What follows are some of Chris’s invaluable thoughts and resources on technology addiction, which we are honored to pass along to our readers.

The Cycle of Technology Addiction

In September of 2018 the World Health Organization included “Gaming Disorder” in the 11th Revision of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11). Gaming disorder is defined as a “pattern of gaming behavior (“digital gaming” or “video gaming”) characterized by impaired control over gaming, increasing priority given to gaming over other activities to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, and continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences.”

For gaming disorder to be “diagnosed the behavior pattern must be of sufficient severity to result in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning and would normally have been evident for at least 12 months.”

The inclusion of gaming disorder in the ICD marks a very important step in the recognition and broad acceptance that technology can become a behavioral or process addiction. To be sure, there will be vigorous debate for the foreseeable future about the wording of the ICD definition as well as the validity of the research that resulted in the inclusion of gaming disorder in ICD.

For therapists that have direct clinical experience working with children and teens that have lost a healthy balance between their non-tech and tech lives – children and teens that clearly exhibit the negative consequences of technology overuse – the ongoing debate about definitions and the quality of research is secondary to providing effective solutions. In short, therapists need to find and implement effective solutions to problems with technology consumption whether the mental health community at large comes to a consensus on whether to use the terms “addiction” or “disorder.”

Based on our reading of current and past literature on gaming and internet behavior, and our clinical experience working with children and teens over the past fourteen years, The Cyber Addiction Recovery Center has concluded that there is a predictable cycle to “problematic” technology consumption or “addiction.”

The first phase in the cycle begins with your child/teen experiencing a negative mood such as boredom, depression, anger, and/or anxiety. It is difficult to precisely determine the percentage of children/teens who engage in excessive technology consumption who struggle with negative moods. With this said, the overwhelming majority of clients treated at our Center have a history of depression, social anxiety, autism, hypersensitivity to boredom/ADHD, and/or are easily frustrated and angry.

The next phase in the cycle is excessive technology consumption (console gaming, computer gaming, internet browsing, YouTube usage, streaming, cyber pornography, etc.).

The third phase involves a change in mood. Because of excessive technology consumption, your child/teen experiences temporary relief from their negative mood (improved mood). Gaming, internet browsing, pornography, etc. raises the level of the “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain, thus producing a temporary change in mood.

The fourth phase of the cycle involves negative consequences. As your child/teen pursues dopamine producing technology, they disregard the real-life negative consequences of excessive technology consumption and fight to maintain or increase their level of screen time.

The cycle repeats itself as the experience of negative moods recurs. Your child/teen is then dependent on technology to regulate negative mood states.

It is important to note that recent research suggests a bidirectional relationship between excessive technology consumption and mood disorders. For example, research suggests that depressive symptoms are linked to an increase in technology consumption and excessive technology consumption is linked to depressive symptoms. That is, depression appears to increase technology use and excessive technology use increases depressive symptoms.

If your child/teen is caught in this cycle, consider reaching out to a mental health professional with expertise in technology addiction. The good news is that with help from an experienced clinician, your child/teen can break the cycle and live a full, meaningful, and productive life.

Chris Mulligan, LCSW

https://teengamingaddiction.com/

cyberrecovery@gmail.com

310-287-1640

Additional Resources from Chris’ website:

Signs of Internet Addiction in Children and Teens

What is a Healthy Amount of Screentime

Sample Digital Diet Plan

Saying Goodbye

Thu, 18 Sep 2025 04:00:00 +0000

“I’m scared,” our daughter said.

“Me too,” I said, knowing our reasons were different.

My wife and I hugged our daughter goodbye and left her standing there alone for the first time in her freshman dorm. Then we drove our rental car back to the airport for the hardest commute we’ve ever endured.

There was much weeping and wailing in that vehicle. I’m not ashamed to admit it’s still very hard. It even feels like we experienced a new form of death, as if we’ve been left behind to learn how to live again, forever different.

For some, the first day of school each year may ring in the promise of a new beginning, a fresh start and even a welcome return to family routines.

The same day also signals varying degrees of loss: the end of summer’s delightfully unstructured time, escapist vacations, summer camps and high school jobs that all come to an abrupt end.

If parents feel a nagging sense of a different, sometimes unnamable pain, it could be because we had to say goodbye to our kids. Again. Whether you dropped off a student to kindergarten or college, you felt it—a creeping dread that your family is quietly shedding one version of itself to make room for whatever comes next.

Every time a child goes off to school at any grade level, we are collectively practicing a very long, crucial goodbye that will and must repeat. If it hurts, that may mean you’re doing your job as a parent or guardian. It’s supposed to sting and sometimes even take your breath away.

And yes, we recognize none of this growing up business is supposed to be about us parents. We’re meant to focus only on the glorious individuation of our beloved offspring. We dutifully remind ourselves that we shall be strong for our progeny. We might mistakenly believe our feelings don’t even matter. After all, we did sign up for this grand independence project and pledged to finish what we started.

The other day while driving my daughter’s car to keep the battery from dying, a perfect tune came on to loosen my grip on her wheel. It was a Beatles song only Paul could sing with that perfect blend of sorrowful joy and joyful sorrow:

I don't know why you say, "Goodbye," I say, "Hello, Hello, Hello…”

I’m trying to be more like McCartney now and reimagine forms of farewell as something else: a chance to welcome in new feelings and even embrace realities I can’t stop anyway.

So hello to my daughter being in another state. Hello to my wife and son needing more of me as I lean harder into them. Hello to registering the pain and not pretending it isn’t there.

Goodbye to resisting these truths and hello to everything we cannot control and never will.

Digital Wellness for College Students

Tue, 01 Jul 2025 04:00:00 +0000

As parents we spend much of the 18 years that we have our kids under our roof preparing them to be independent enough to live away from home. These days, that includes teaching teens how to manage their life online and helping them to make wise choices as digital citizens.

It’s true that once they leave for college, what they do with their technology is out of our control. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t prepare them to make healthy choices once no one is there to oversee them. Don’t forget, that prefrontal cortex isn’t developed until age 25! So while they may seem all grown up, they are in fact still developing and therefore more susceptible to the magnetic pull of the online world.

While smartphone and tech overuse can have various negative outcomes, the 3 ways in which tech most often interferes with a healthy college experience are:

Sleep Deprivation

Creating a wall of familiarity or comfort to hide behind - delaying in-person social connections

Hindering academic performance through distraction and procrastination

Taking a little time to prompt your teen to consider these questions in advance can help them to be more mindful once they arrive at school. Let’s look at some of what you’ll want to discuss with your rising college freshman

Issue: How To Create Healthy Physical Boundaries with Tech

Even if your high school senior already enjoys a good deal of autonomy, there are invisible boundaries that help to keep tech at bay at least somewhat - whether it’s family rules and expectations or school restrictions. Once our children go off to college, any external boundaries or limits that existed on their phone use disappear. One of the main ways this can negatively impact our college students is their sleep. In a tiny dorm room, while missing home or feeling anxious, teens are primed to stay up way too late on their phones. Sleep deprivation is at epidemic proportions in teens and young adults leading to higher rates of anxiety, depression, accidents and stress. The adjustment to a new college environment will be far more stressful in all ways for a kid who is sleep deprived.

Solutions:

Develop the habit of using Do Not Disturb or Sleep Mode settings on the phone at night.
Buy an ‘unplug box’ or Bagby to store the phone overnight while it charges - just adding a little distance (or ‘friction’) makes a difference!
Buy an alarm clock.

Issue: Tech Distraction, Procrastination and Academics

Overwhelming amounts of digital distraction can lead to procrastination and difficulty focusing on class, preventing our young adults from attaining their academic goals. Unlike in high school, your undergraduate might have more free periods, longer walks between classes, lunches alone, and large lecture halls in college. These are spaces that lead us to pick up our phone. Let’s help them to make some small changes that can stave off some of the urges to grab their phone.

Solutions:

Turn off (or batch) all non essential notifications, including email, on phones and laptops.
Put your phone in Silent Mode.
Set daily time limits for your most distracting apps - even if they don’t stop you, they at least make you pause and consider for a moment.
Consider removing all social media from your phone and only checking them on a computer.
During class or while doing homework, use a distraction blocking extension like Freedom or Self Control.
Keep phones in your backpack and on Do Not Disturb mode during class.

Issue: Video Games in the Dorm Room = Procrastination + Avoidance

College students love to play video games, and if yours does too, they will likely have no trouble finding friends and a place to play them. But, if your child struggles with staying on track academically, has social anxieties, ADHD or simply has trouble walking away from video games, then chances are this will only get exacerbated when they are off on their own with no oversight. Video games provide a boost of Dopamine which may make your student feel great in the moment. The problem is that if they start gaming all the time, not only will they start missing assignments and classes, but they will slowly start to lose their motivation to do hard work as they experience dopamine deficits.

Whether or not to allow them to take the gaming console may be a difficult negotiation. It is worth a serious conversation where you sit down and look at the potential benefits vs. costs of taking that console with them.

Solution:

Consider leaving the gaming console at home to start their new college experience and then re-evaluate over winter break.

Issue: Difficulty Forging New Strong Bonds and Connecting Face to Face

Many students have trouble making friends when they first start college, but these days with so many people reliant on social media and dating apps to “connect”, the feeling of isolation and loneliness seems to be even greater for young adults.

Before your rising freshman leaves for college, sit together and talk about what it is they are looking for socially out of their college experience:

Do they have specific social goals for their first year?

What are some ways that they might imagine meeting people and forging deep connections?

Have them consider how their digital habits may either help further these goals or be detrimental to them. How will they recognize if their digital health is waning? Or if tech is preventing them from getting out there and making IRL (in real life) connections. What are some signs? What steps can they take?

Before I sign off, I need to take a moment to address our own behavior as empty nesters. How might we, as parents, be tethered to our children through phones? I’ve heard from many parents that they speak to -or text with- their kids every day - even while they are away at college. Of course it’s hard to separate, but college should be a time of letting go and allowing for some space. We don’t want our constant presence to interfere with our child’s ability to navigate situations on their own and forge true autonomy.

Perhaps coming up with a weekly check in day, or setting certain parameters in advance can help to set the stage for both young adult and parent to feel confident that they are still connected while allowing for much needed independence.

Learn more digital wellness tips by taking Julia's online course. Use our code at checkout for a 20% discount: HAYUTIN.

~Julia Storm, Digital Wellness Specialist, Educator & Advocate

https://www.reconnect-families.com/

Summer with a Side of Learning

Tue, 20 May 2025 04:00:00 +0000

Ah, summer break. That magical time of year when children run free, eat popsicles for breakfast, do cannonballs in the pool... and forget everything they learned in school.

While there’s plenty of value in unstructured play and sunshine, there’s also a hidden cost to those long summer months – especially when it comes to reading, writing, and math. In fact, research shows that kids can lose about 10-30% of reading and math test score growth over the summer if they’re not engaged in academic activities.

So what can parents do to help their kiddos overcome this slump? The answer: a little structured, intensive academic time during summer break. And I’m not talking about locking your kids in a library (please don’t). I’m talking about focused, high-impact learning, even just a few hours a week, that can make a massive difference.

The Power of Intensive Instruction

Let’s say your child spent the school year struggling with the material – slogging through homework, working harder than their peers, and yet still not seeing the results of their efforts. This could be due to a learning difference, classroom distractions, or disruptions during the school year (unfortunately, we all know many families were displaced by the fires this year). For these students, summer can be the perfect time to build confidence and competence without the stress of grades or crowded classrooms.

Ideally, they spend 60 minutes a day, a few days a week, practicing reading or working through math problems with you, a tutor, or a summer program. That type of intensive instruction is not just about keeping skills fresh– that’s remediation, reinforcement, and acceleration all rolled into one. In fact, studies show that high-dosage tutoring is one of the most effective ways to increase achievement and rate of learning. Imagine your child walking back into school in the fall and not just being caught up, but being poised to hit the ground running because of what they worked on over the summer.

Parent Pointers

If you’re going to tackle working on academic skills with your child this summer, know that consistency is key! A few 30-60 minute sessions throughout the week are much more effective (and less painful for everyone) than a single cram session that leaves everyone feeling drained.

Here are a few low-stress ways to sneak learning into your summer:

Quiet reading time: Let your child pick out a book they’re actually interested in, and have them give you a quick recap after each chapter. You can make this more fun by creating a family book club or having them fill out a bingo card (Google “summer reading bingo card” for ideas) to earn a prize.
Writing with a twist: Encourage them to keep a summer journal, write postcards or letters to friends and family, or review the latest book they read or movie they watched. You can also create silly writing prompts for them to flex their creative writing skills!
Math in disguise: Websites like roomrecess.com have solid games to practice math facts. There are also variations of card games like “War”, where each player puts down two cards and the highest sum wins – feel free to mix it up with subtraction or multiplication. You can also use everyday scenarios to work on money, time, and measurement concepts.
Workbooks to the rescue: Spectrum, Scholastic, and Summer Bridge Activities all offer great workbooks that do the heavy lifting for you. These resources are perfect for days when you want your kiddo to keep working on some skills, while you take a well-earned ice coffee break.

In general, remember that keeping it short and consistent helps build habits without turning summer into a second school year. But of course, if it ever feels overwhelming, know that leaning on a trained professional is always an option.

Bonus: It Helps You, Too

Let’s be honest – kids need some structure in the summer to create a healthy balance with all the fun they’re having. A bit of academic time each week provides a predictable routine, some quiet(ish) moments, and the satisfaction of knowing you’re setting your child up for success during the upcoming school year. It can also mean less stress in the fall – fewer homework battles, fewer worries about slipping grades, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing your child is equipped with the tools to succeed. You may find that a few hours of academic engagement a week actually makes the rest of summer more relaxed and enjoyable for everyone.

So go ahead – savor the popsicles, join in on the cannonballs, and build sandcastles. But maybe mix in a little tutoring, too.

~ Forough Azimi

Director, Hayutin Education

Autism Acceptance Month: Nick's Story

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 04:00:00 +0000

Nick is one of our autistic college students who has really thrived this year. Hunja sat down with Nick and Demi, his executive function coach from Hayutin, to discuss everything from college applications, his incredible Lego collection, the connection of exercising to academics, and a few things he has learned about himself this past year.

Check out some of the highlights from our light-hearted conversation below.

Hunja

Nick

Demi

Connections and Conferences

Hunja: Thank you so much for taking the time. I know you’ve been busy! You just came back from a huge Model UN conference in New York last week. How was that?

Nick: It was really great! As you can imagine, there was a lot of socializing and interacting with delegates from different countries. This past year, I’ve learned that I truly enjoy socializing more than I realized. I made it a point to get to know every person in my class, and at this conference, that intention paid off. I had some wonderful conversations with UN delegates from Zambia and Botswana.

Spreadsheets and Structure

Hunja: When we spoke last year about college counseling, I was impressed by your organization. You had a good grasp of the colleges you were interested in, the programs that matched your career goals, and the admission requirements. Demi (Hayutin EF Coach) said you were the most organized student he had ever worked with!

Nick: Yeah, it is interesting that I don’t really consider myself a detail-oriented or highly organized person, but I think I enjoy having a structured way to operate. Take my room for example, it is not neat by any stretch, but certain parts of it are highly organized. I have a particular place where I hang my posters, and they all have to be perfectly aligned, and then under each poster, I have a LEGO set that color-matches the poster. If anyone moves the LEGO set, I have to put it right back to where it was.

Planning and Procrastination

Hunja: Is there sometimes a disconnect between your strong planning/organizing and your ability to execute on your plans? I recall you mentioned to me last year that procrastination was a big struggle. Has the accountability of working with Demi helped you move from planning to action?

Nick: Absolutely! Procrastination is still a struggle, but working with Demi has been a huge help. As an example, since I know Demi is going to ask me about the math videos I need to watch each week, it has been a fun and helpful layer of accountability to get my math work done before our Friday sessions. It has become a running joke in my life. Whatever I am doing, I need to get my math videos done before Friday. I didn’t even tell Demi this, but I was on a date last Thursday, and I had to cut it short when I realized that I needed to get home and complete my math videos. My date couldn’t understand, but I kept telling her that I needed to get home so I could do this assignment, and she couldn’t wrap her mind around any of that (laughing).

Fitness and Focus

Hunja: What would you say is the biggest factor positively influencing your academic performance this year versus last year?

Nick: Honestly, this might sound weird, but I would say going to the gym and generally being active have been the biggest factors for me. My mom and Demi are both self-professed gym rats, and I’ve fully joined them in that. Finding consistency with this and seeing results from my efforts made me realize that I could apply the same principles to my work at school, and then I started seeing results there as well. It was also really helpful in regulating my mood, so even if I go to the gym in the mornings, which tends to make me physically tired before school, I feel much sharper and much more positive throughout my day, which really helps.

When I started out, it was helpful to have a personal trainer to motivate me to go because it was hard to stick to the routine. Now, I only see my personal trainer occasionally, as it has become something I am much more motivated to do, given how many positive benefits I've seen in my life.

By Hunja Koimburi, M.A.

Director, Hayutin Education