HayU Blog

I don’t know about your household, but from 6:30 am to 7:30 am, mine is pure chaos. I have two kids under 4 and a dog. Everyone and everything needs attention during this mission critical hour. Coffee is brewing, the dog needs food, water bottles and cups need filling, and everyone needs to get dressed and out the door. 

Like I said, pure chaos.

My oldest is three. She is strong-willed and firmly in the “I can do it myself” phase. Once the clock strikes 7:30 am, it is time for the kids to load into my husband’s car and head to preschool. This is also usually the exact time my oldest is struggling to pull on socks and shoes or slowly struggling to zip her jacket. She does not want any help. She wants to stand there and work on that zipper, jamming it up, for better or worse.

I, on the other hand, am fighting my desperate instincts to take over and zip that unbearable jacket so they can leave on time. I take a deep breath and decide to stand and show my support. I encourage her to keep on trying, because I know she can do it by herself–sometimes. Admittedly there are days when I just have to zip it myself because they really do have to get out the door. But when time allows, I let her do it with encouragement. I stand there, breathe in, and support her independence. It’s painful at times to watch her struggle, but I strongly feel it’s what’s best for her resilience and development (not to mention our relationship). 

My youngest just turned one. She really wants to drink from an open cup. Like an adult cup. No lid, no straw, no barrier between the liquid and her. I want her to achieve this milestone as well, but with the morning chaos in full swing, it sure is stressful knowing that cup is probably about to hit the floor. She picks it up with two wobbly hands, slowly bringing it to her lips for a slurp. Despite the struggle and my own anxiety about another unwanted mess, that huge smile when she takes a perfect sip on her own outweighs the high risk of an outfit change. 

So why do I let them struggle? I know trying and struggling helps children develop important life skills such as problem solving, critical thinking, and grit. When children are faced with a challenge, they are forced to think creatively and find solutions to problems on their own. These are essential skills for success in school and more importantly, life. 

Children learn best when they are actively engaged in the learning process. When a well-intentioned parent constantly steps in to help or solve problems for their child, that child becomes reliant on help that won’t always be there.  They may not be motivated to even risk learning new challenges, much less know how to conquer them. Letting a child struggle and learn on their own helps to build that optimal level of confidence and independence we all want so badly for our children of any age. Plus that beaming grin of pride on my daughter’s face when she finally zips up her coat is priceless.

So I’ll be here, drinking my cold coffee, waiting patiently until she gets it.

~Jordan Castleberry, M.A. 

Director, Hayutin Education