HayU Blog

If you are a frequent reader of our blog posts, you know we are big fans of parenting  and psychology books that promote easing the pressures on our children and ourselves and support successful transitions into thriving adulthoods.

The latest such book on my bedside table, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It, by Jennifer Breheny Wallace, just came out in August of 2023.

Educators and parents of students in highly competitive school and extracurricular environments should definitely read this book! In exploring the latest trends in achievement culture and delving into the root causes of today’s teen anxiety and depression epidemic, Wallace interviewed thousands of students and parents as well as many top child psychologists. Her overview, analysis, conclusions, and recommendations are worthy of our attention.

If, like me, you’ve already read The Price of Privilege, Under Pressure, and How to Raise an Adult, you’ll notice some repeat themes in this book. And if you are already familiar with Gordon Flett’s work on perfectionism and the concept of ‘mattering’ as crucial to a person’s self-esteem and sense of worth, you will be reading a lot about mattering again in this text. Wallace frequently quotes Lisa Damour and other well-known authors/speakers surrounding achievement culture, anxiety and depression.

But even if you are already ‘sold’ on the need to decrease the pressure on our children, you should, at the very least, check out the Resources section at the end of Never Enough. Wallace outlines an excellent summary of specific actions to improve our environments at home, in schools, and communities. You’ll have to buy the book to see them all, but here are a few of my favorites: 

• Parents - talk openly about values, normalize difficult feelings, be a balance keeper
• Secondary Schools - generate a mental health report card for your school, make thinking visible, showcase alternative routes beyond college, hold a name-blind college fair
• Colleges/Universities - consider lottery admissions, function like a nonprofit 
• Communities - broaden conversations around ‘success,’ be a trusted adult for other people’s children 

Wallace also introduced me to The Mattering Movement. I encourage you to check it out, donate to it, and make use of the resources offered.

Ready to dig in and really examine yourself and your family? Read the whole book and pay attention to some of the more subtle details that grabbed my attention:

I’m a progressive, informed, well-read parent who has studied child psychology and has worked in the field of education for decades.  I often feel like I ‘say all the right things’ to my own daughters surrounding achievement in school, on the field, or on the stage.  But what pressurized achievement messages am I unwittingly sending my kids despite my best intentions?  And in what ways is my own upbringing in highly competitive college-preparatory private school environments STILL impacting me in terms of my biases and judgments of my own children, their choices, and their schools?  

Struck by how many of the children and teens interviewed felt like their parents' love and approval was inextricably tied to their achievements, I wondered what my children would say if they were interviewed?  

I think that my children know, in their heart of hearts, that I love them no matter what and will stick by them through thick and thin. But if I really look hard at myself and the nonverbal and verbal cues I have been sending to my kids their whole lives, they might also believe….

• My mom cares a lot about my grades and how well I do in school.
• My mom sometimes judges my choices, especially when I choose not to work as hard as she thinks I should.
• My mom seems more excited and proud when I get the lead in the play or first place at the dance competition.
• My mom seems so much happier when I am in a good mood.

Wallace challenged me to reflect on how often I ask my child about how the test went or who got the lead parts in the play. Does the way I lead my own life, as the overachiever that I am, really show that I think it’s okay to set boundaries and focus on self-care, that I approve of downtime, or that I care about leading a well-balanced and healthy lifestyle?

I am admittedly hard on myself as a parent (and as a human), but when I finished reading Never Enough, I had my doubts about how well I’ve been getting the intended messages across to my children. The first thing I did was pull my fifteen-year-old in for a hug and say:

You know I love you no matter what, right? I love who you are, at your core. Your grades are not who you are. They don’t even indicate how smart you are.  I’m proud of all the new effort you’ve been putting into your studies, but I hope you know that we don’t expect you to get straight A’s. I know the college process you are heading into is filled with a lot of pressure and that kids are going to start talking about their grades and comparing.  I hope you won’t pressure yourself to be perfect…just be yourself, do your best, and follow your heart.

The next thing I did was FaceTime my older daughter who is across the country in college to say:

It’s been so amazing to see how much better you are and such a relief to see you in such a good mood lately. It’s hard to see you suffering and in pain. But I hope you know that you, at your core, are not your pain or your moods or your grades or your resume. I love you just the same when you are happy and light as when you are struggling and miserable.

Then, true to form as a high achieving parent, I began to feel guilty about not making volunteerism and chores a bigger part of my family life, as Wallace recommends we should in Never Enough.  But Wallace does a great job of promoting self-care among us parents and reminding us that we, like our children, cannot do it all. 

Both of my kids, in response to my reassurances after reading the book, responded with, ‘yeah Mom, I know,’ coupled with that loving, but slightly embarrassed eye roll from the fifteen year-old and a ‘but thanks for saying that,’ from the 21-year-old.   I try to resist feeling like I’m ‘Never Enough’ as a parent.  Instead, I choose to celebrate the wins and accept that I am doing my best. 

-Amy Hayutin Contreras

Partner, Hayutin Education

Survivor, West Los Angeles Toxic Achievement Culture